sleepless

funny how I can't sleep because earlier I saw a mosquito fly by and I keep thinking I feel it crawling on me. paranoia has never been a friend to me. and apparently summer isn't a friend to me right now. I don't know if it's the hot weather or the fact that I'm not in school, but everything about summer is making me lack the motivation to do anything. I'm just a lazy bum that lugs around dragging their feet. I'm hoping to get a job sometime soon. either at Louise's in Pasadena or for Benefit in West Covina. we'll see how that goes.

As for this weekend...Dodger game! time to get drunk, sweat, yell and eat!

jinxed it.

damnit. time to catch up now.

better

i don't want to jinx it, but i think i'm able to slowly relax now. finals are coming up, but if i time things correctly, it shouldn't be too stressful between studying and writing papers. whew, i hope this all works out.

jen and i went to irvine today to soak in the radiating sunlight. went to 85C to get pasteries and my sea salt coffee. sat there and talked for awhile about stuff. i tried doing hw but i couldn't concentrate with the girl next to us speaking loudly about the latest gossip. so i gave up and read over jen's paper instead. we stayed for a good 2 hours before we left to the LAB anti-mall which was pretty...ok? hipster hotspot, that's for sure. but the walk was pretty nice, art everywhere you look.

i need tomorrow to pass by quick so thursday comes. what am i doing on thursday? going to the hungtington library and the norton simon with jen. i haven't used my camera in awhile, and i really need to. plus i heard the huntington library's pretty amazing.

breaks

taking a break from doing hw. the past couple of weeks have been a handful. sorry for all the emotional posts lately. seems like lately this blog has been drained of all happiness and replaced with shit. i'm trying to get my brain to function in the correct way but i don't really know what the correct way is anymore? so i just figured whatever happens happens.

everyday this week has been absolutely beautiful, it's a shame that i haven't taken full advantage of that. been stuck inside my dark apt lately, cramming useless information into my head for classes. i'm slowly counting the days until this semester is over so i can maybe relax. i know jen and i are planning on taking some summer courses at pcc so hopefully that won't kill me over.

trying to get back into the funk of things, whatever that means.

shit

shit happens. that's all I could really say in response to what's been happening. I'm not necessarily not letting myself get down and sad over all of this. I think that part is inevitable. but I'm not making excuses nor am I gonna soak in my own pool of self-loathing. shit happens. that's all I can really say. I'm in a fucking mess and I'm going to get myself out.

endless?

i'm not sure how to think anymore. i've realized that the way i think and the way i handle things aren't exactly the "correct" or right way that i want to deal with my problems. i tend to put parts of my life into little snapshots, instead of one unified concept. every time i encounter a problem, i usually convince myself that once this is over, i could really start living my life and everything will be perfect and i'll be happy. why? i'm sure this might be common for other people to think this way, wishful thinkers maybe? the thing is, i try to live for the moment, in the present, is this holding me back or helping me? i guess it is helping me, by having me not think of the possible dilemmas that i can face later in life, but it really sounds naive now that i think about it. im lying to myself, because i know that if i do think of all the possible horrid things that could happen in the near future that i am going to have to deal with, i'll just stress myself out.

thinking this way definitely has it's negative side. it makes my life seem like (as sad as it sounds) an endless string of conflict and turmoil thats never really gonna stop. thinking this way and completely blocking out all possible problems in the future is causing me to get dragged and pulled down this stupid endless string. and even worse, it's making me live my life almost feeling lifeless, thinking that my suffering is never going to really end. granted, i use "suffering" in very light terms. my life doesn't really suck that much folks, it just seems nonexistent at this point. i'm busying myself with pointless schooling that i don't completely believe in.(jen knows what i'm talking about.) the whole school system is f'up and not what it's really meant to be. yeah, there are times when i really believe or want to believe in the school system, but most the time, it's all bullshit leading up to the almighty piece of paper that says you are now competent and ready to really "start" your life. it's all endless, much like this post is looking to be.

mysterious

my spring break has officially started. so far, this sums up the past 3 days bacon pancakes at the original pancake house, lager flavored gelato from frati's, esta's birthday at the highlands, going to "vietnam" with friends and mysterious sore throats. not bad so far. looks like this spring break is going to go by way too fast.